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pegkerr ([personal profile] pegkerr) wrote2025-07-18 01:33 pm

2025 52 Card Project: Week 28: Pandafest

Last Sunday, Delia called me up to ask, "Hey, do you want to go to Pandafest?"

Uh, sure. What is Pandafest?

It turned out to be an outdoor festival showcasing Asian foods and vendors, held just outside the Mall of America. It was a fiendishly hot day, which was definitely a drawback, but I ended up being super glad I went, and we did have fun. Since it was so hot, a lot of the fried food didn't look too appealing, but with a little hunting, we were able to find a booth selling cold soba salad, which hit the spot nicely. We tried steamed pork buns, fruit skewers covered with a hard candied coating, coconut ice cream with mango, and fried donuts. Yum! There were performers, and we watched the Korean dancers (pitying them a bit for having to dance in their traditional costumes under the hot sun).

I have been feeling so sick for so long that it definitely felt nice to get out and do something new and fun. Thanks for the suggestion, Delia!

Image description: Foreground Peg (left) and Delia (right). Delia is eating fried donut balls on a skewer. Between them is a "Pandafest: Twin Cities" stick pin. Behind them, center: two Korean woman dancers flourish fans and a tycho drummer are overlaid over a giant inflatable panda. Behind the panda, top: Chinese steamed buns in several different flavours.

Pandafest

28 Pandafest

Click on the links to see the 2025, 2024, 2023, 2022 and 2021 52 Card Project galleries.
swan_tower: (*writing)
swan_tower ([personal profile] swan_tower) wrote2025-07-17 05:11 pm

New series!

(Whoops, forgot to cross-post this! Seems a good time to remind y'all that you can subscribe to my Wordpress site to always get notified when there's a new post -- including all the weekly Patreon announcements that I keep not cross-posting ever since my plugin broke.

(Now, the actual post:)

There will be a more formal, industry-oriented announcement of this later, but since I announced this at BayCon the other day, I am delighted to say: I have sold a new series to Angry Robot!

Part of the reason the formal announcement will come later is that we need to figure out what the actual title of the series and/or first book will be. Right now my working title is something in the vein of The Worst Monk in the World Goes on Pilgrimage -- and if that sounds semi-cozy to you, you're not wrong. The elevator pitch is that a Buddhist-style monk with incredibly bad karma embarks on a famous pilgrimage in an attempt to make things better, and (of course) runs into complications along the way.

I'm currently over halfway through the draft of the first book, but due to Angry Robot's promotional plans for this series, it's likely that it won't launch until 2027. Don't worry, though; you'll have The Sea Beyond to entertain you until then!
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mrissa ([personal profile] mrissa) wrote2025-07-16 02:24 pm
Entry tags:

Books read, early July

 

A. S. Byatt, Still Life. Reread. I freely acknowledge that "4, 1, 2, 3" is an eccentric reread order for this series. (This is 2. Stay tuned for 3 in the next fortnight's book list.) It's also the one that, in my opinion, stands least well alone, mostly because of the ending. The ending is very cogent about the initial blurred, horrible phases of grief, but what it does not do is move through them to the next phases, to what happens after the first shock--which is an odd balancing for one book but fine for part of a larger story. I also find it fascinating that Byatt exists in this book as an authorial "I" in ways that she does not for the other books. "I wrote this word because of that," she will say, and it seems that if the I is not Antonia, it's someone quite close, it's not anything near to a character and not really much like an in-book narrator. It's just...our neighbor Antonia, who makes choices while writing, as one does, as we all do.

Linda Legarde Grover, Onigamiising: Seasons of an Ojibwe Year. If you have a relative who is a person of goodwill but has been paying absolutely no attention to Native/First Nations culture, this might be a good thing to give them. It's lots of very short (newspaper column or newsletter length) essays about personal memories and cultural memories through the turning of the year, nothing particularly deep and nothing that assumes that you know literally the first thing about Onigamiising (Duluth) or Ojibwe life or anything at all really. Not probably going to be very memorable if you do, but not offensive.

Alix E. Harrow, The Everlasting. Discussed elsewhere.

Reginald Hill, Death Comes for the Fat Man, Midnight Fugue, and The Price of Butcher's Meat. Rereads. And here we're at the end of the series, and as always I wish there was more and am glad there's this much. I don't think I'll need to return to The Price of Butcher's Meat; the email format conceit ("this is a person who doesn't use apostrophes, that means it's informal!" Reg stop) does not improve with time, and the rest of the book isn't really worth it to me. But the others are still quite solid mysteries, hurrah for Dalziel interiority.

Grady Hillhouse, Engineering in Plain Sight: An Illustrated Field Guide to the Constructed Environment. I picked this up because it was already in the house, and because I'm writing a thing about a city planner, and I thought it might spark ideas. It did not: it's very focused on the immediate 21st century American largely urban constructed environment. But what a neat book to be able to give a bright 10yo, or really anyone who can read full text but likes careful pictures of what there is and how it works.

Naomi Mitchison, Among You Taking Notes: The Wartime Diary of Naomi Mitchison. Kindle. I found this to be a heartening read because Mitchison is clearly a person like us, someone who values art and human rights and a number of good things like that, a person who is doing the best she can in an internationally stressful time--and also she's flat-out wrong a number of times in this book. A few times she's morally wrong, several times she's wrong in her predictions...and the Allies still won WWII and Mitchison herself still wrote a great many things worth reading. It is simultaneously a very friendly and domestic diary from someone Getting Through It All and a reminder that perfection is not required for progress.

Malka Older, The Potency of Ungovernable Impulses. More Mossa and Pleiti mystery adventures. The two spend a large chunk of the book in different locations. Don't start with this one, start with the first one, but also: events continue to ramify and unfold, hurrah events.

Deanna Raybourn, Kills Well With Others. The sequel to the previous "older women assassins attempting with not a great deal of success to be retired from killin' folks" book, it has similar appeal. It could be that you're ready to be done after one, which is valid, but if you weren't, this is more of that, and reasonably enjoyable. There's less of the dual timeline narrative here, about which I have mixed feelings: on the one hand it's often good for authors to let go of that kind of device when it has served its purpose, and on the other I liked the contrast. Ah well.

Cameron Reed, What We Are Seeking. Discussed elsewhere.

Tom Sancton, Sweet Land of Liberty: America in the Mind of the French Left, 1848-1871. This is not just about what people thought of the US at the time but also how they used images and references to it in their own internal propaganda, which is kind of cool. A lot of it was not particularly deep thought, and that is of itself interesting--in what ways do people react to large dramatic events for which they have limited context (but no small amount of possible personal use). If you like this sort of thing this is the sort of thing you'll like. A few eccentric views of, for example, Susan B. Anthony, or the Buchanan presidency, but within the scope of what one would expect for a few lines from someone whose main expertise is not those things.

Leonie Swann, Big Bad Wool. This is the sequel to Three Bags Full, and it is another sheep-centered mystery novel that stays in semi-realistic sheep perspective (except in the places where it goes into goat perspective this time! there are goats!). If you had fun with the first one, this will also be fun; if not, probably start with the first one, because it does have references to prior events. I really appreciate the sheep having sheep-centered theories, it's a good exercise in perspective.

Nghi Vo, A Mouthful of Dust. Discussed elsewhere.

Faith Wallis, ed., Medieval Medicine: A Reader. This is a compendium of translated documents from the period, with very small amounts of commentary between for context. If you want to know how to examine a patient's urine or what humors linen enhances, this is the book for you. Also if you want a window into how people thought of bodies and health over this long and diverse period. I think it's probably going to be more useful to have as a reference than to read straight through, but I did in fact read the whole thing this once (which I hope will help with my sense of what to check back on when using it as a reference).

Martha Wells, Queen Demon. Discussed elsewhere.

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mrissa ([personal profile] mrissa) wrote2025-07-12 02:51 pm
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The Everlasting, by Alix E. Harrow

 

Review copy provided by the publisher.

This is a bit like if The Book of Ash had a massively repeating time loop and was explicitly anti-fascist, and clocked in at almost exactly 300 pages.

So...not a lot like The Book of Ash actually. Ah well. It does have a scholar/historian, it does have examination of the legends of the past and how they serve the goals of the present. It does have complicated human relationships, and it does have about as much blood as something this full of swords should by rights have.

There's a love story at the heart of this, possibly more than one depending on how you read it, but structurally it is definitely not a romance. It might be the older kind of romance, with knights fighting for their honor, with strange and wondrous events. Time loops certainly qualify, I should think. But the characters have a real tinge to them--they are explicitly not the stained glass icons some of them see from time to time in the text. If I had one complaint it could be my common one with time loops: that it's hard to get the balance right so that repetition and change are harmonized in just the right way. But I'd still recommend the way Harrow is determined to examine how the stories we tell serve ends that may not be our own--and what we can do about that.

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pegkerr ([personal profile] pegkerr) wrote2025-07-11 12:35 pm

2025 52 Card Project: Week 27: Wedding

My nephew David got married this past weekend, on July 5, which happened to be my 39th wedding anniversary, which was rather bittersweet. We had family come in from out of town, so some of them got to meet M, which was a delight.

There was a July 4th welcome party at my sister's home, and then the ceremony the next day wonderful--so well-planned and heartfelt, and everyone had a marvelous time.

Unfortunately, I am not yet recovered from this terrible cold, and so I didn't stay for the dancing. I had to content myself with the videos and pictures of my family dancing late into the night.

Compare the collage made for one of my other nephew's wedding three years ago, Janus.

Image description: A couple smiles at the camera, fireworks exploding in the background. Overlaid over the fireworks are a semi-transparent clasped woman's hand and man's hand, each wearing a wedding ring. Lower left corner: a wooden box planted with wildflowers with the words "Welcome: We're so glad you're here. David & Jordan 7 . 5. 25

Wedding

27 Wedding

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mousme ([personal profile] mousme) wrote2025-07-08 09:39 pm

Even my productive days feel unproductive

I got a fair bit of stuff done today.

I got up at a very reasonable 6:30am, showered, and took my car to Canadian Tire for (another) alignment. The whole process took less than an hour, so I just waited at a nearby Tim Horton's and had breakfast with a lemon poppy seed muffin which startled me by having some sort of cream cheese filling that I was not expecting. It tasted just fine, but it was weirdly jarring nonetheless. This just tells me that my capacity for dealing with unexpected change is now in the negative numbers. 

Once the car was organized, I drove to Cornwall (the nearest large town, although it might technically count as a city? Hang on, I will go look that up. *two minutes later* It's a city. Okay. Moving on.) to go to Home Depot and finally bite the bullet on getting a riding lawn mower. I did a bit of research into the various options, and even though they cost a bit more money, I settled on a John Deere. All the reviews of the more inexpensive models boiled down to the same thing: "It's not worth it, just get a John Deere and have done." Mostly all the other models seem to have poor warranties, lack servicing options, have parts that are hard or impossible to get, or just continuously break down. So I got a John Deere, and it will be delivered on Thursday.

I had a rather circular conversation with the nice young lady serving me at Home Depot. She was a tiny, wispy thing, probably of Indian origin based on her accent and the bracelets adorning her wrists (although I couldn't swear to it), and the poor thing spoke barely above a whisper and had the maddening habit of looking anywhere but at me when she spoke. This may have been cultural or just a personality quirk, but either way, it was not ideal. Long-time readers will remember that I am rather hard of hearing, and so people who speak quietly and/or face away from me when they speak are my kryptonite.

Conversely, she seemed to have a lot of trouble understanding me as well. I asked about financing options, to see if I could avoid having to shell out another $5k right on the spot (everything is so expensive, goddamn), and she agreed and brought me over to customer service.

Her: "You want to finance or use credit card?"

Me: "I'd like to see if I qualify for financing so I don't have to put it on my credit card, please."

Her: "So you use your own credit card?"

Me: "No, I'd like to get financing."

Her: "You want a credit card?"

Me: "Well, Home Depot gives you one with financing, right?"

Her: "Yes."

Me: "Great. Let's do that!"

Her: "Okay, so you go over to the cash and you pay with your credit card now."

Me: "So... you can't do the financing?"

Her: *blank look*

We were saved by another employee named Ariel (I don't know the name of the first woman because she didn't have a name tag), who was able to walk us through the process, thank goodness. It took a while, but now I can pay off the mower over the next 12 months instead of all in one go, with no interest unless I exceed those 12 months.

I had to pop back to Canadian Tire after that because they had neglected to give me the readout for the alignment, and luckily they still had it in their system (apparently the machine doesn't keep it beyond the one reading, but they hadn't had another client in for an alignment yet, or at least that's how I understood it). I sent the readout to Steve the Wonder Mechanic, and he is of the opinion that the dealership simply never did an alignment on my car back in the day. What they did with my car when they kept it for a full 36 hours and charged me $150 for the privilege is beyond me at this point. I am going to have to rally some spoons from somewhere in order to fight them on this and get reimbursed for the work and for the brand new winter tires that they wrecked due to their negligence.

Anyway, I finally made it home five-ish hours after I'd left, put in a load of laundry (everyone clap, please!) and set about continuing to unpack my bedroom. As of right now I am STILL not done (goddamn), but I am down to "only" my books and office supplies (I think, there might still be a surprise lurking in one of those boxes), so I am optimistic I can get that done in the next few days. Ideally I'd like to finish that tomorrow evening when I get home, because I have to go to Ottawa back to my old house.

This is because, in Oh-My-God-There-Is-Still-Moving-Drama news, my old landlords have informed me that, even though I still technically live in the old place, they are going to start showing it to prospective tenants right away. Since it's currently a goddamned disaster in there, I am going to head out tomorrow as early as possible to try to at least tidy up all the garbage and crap that got left behind after the move, and fill up the car with some of the stuff I still want to bring to the new house. That was part of the plan for these coming two weeks anyway, but I had kind of assumed that I'd have more time to get the house pulled together before my landlords swooped in to get prospective new tenants who will likely be paying a LOT more rent than me. I don't like having to work on their timeline, but here we are, I guess. Here's hoping that I can get the house pulled together enough that they aren't going to try to gouge extra money out of me just because they can.

*lies on the floor*

My drama is so very low stakes compared to what's going on in the world, but it's very stressful on a personal level, I promise you. :P

Speaking of stressful, the poor quail had what one might call a Heckin' Escapade yesterday. KK took the dogs out before I got home from my night shift for their usual morning romp. What we didn't know is that Freeloader, the rooster whose life continues to be spared while we get settled in, had taken advantage of the door to his hutch not being latched properly (that one's on me) and gone walkabout (flapabout?). Apparently he hadn't gone far and was just bopping happily around in the grass, foraging away. At least he was, until the Brittanies got hold of him.

Fun fact about Brittanies, they are hunting dogs, specifically a versatile breed, meaning they both point AND retrieve, and because they are retrievers, they have what's called a "soft mouth," meaning that they will hold game birds in their mouths without biting down on them (because hunters don't want to have their birds chewed up by their dogs). Pixie grabbed Freeloader first and took off with him. KK forced her to drop him, only to have Peggy snatch him up immediately afterward. Poor Freeloader got exchanged from dog to dog a couple of times until KK was finally able to confiscate him and put him back in his hutch, where he hunkered down, the picture of wet, slobbery misery, but completely uninjured because the dogs were very gentle with him, comparatively speaking.

Honestly I fully expected him to die of shock, but he has hung in there until tonight, although he is a deeply unhappy and traumatized camper. I haven't heard him crow once since I got home, and he's usually extremely vocal. He has been eating and drinking, though, so I think there's no permanent harm done. And, well, he is going to get the metaphorical axe at some point, once I get my shit together.

Oh, and in the midst of all of this, the weight management clinic called today, and I am scheduled for the Pre-Surgery 2 class next Tuesday, and an in-person appointment with the surgeon on the following Thursday. That means that they are very likely ready to schedule me for surgery ASAP, which of course is something of a problem given that KK is having surgery in just over two weeks' time. OOPS. I'm sure that if I explain the situation they will be sure to schedule me further out, but my goodness, what ridiculous timing. I also have to go get more bloodwork done (so. much. bloodwork.) at the hospital, which means getting up at the asscrack of dawn so that I don't have to spend the entire day waiting in the hospital, because if you get there after 6:30am you have a guaranteed wait of at least two hours, if not three or four, and I for one do not want to spend half the day just waiting in a hospital for a blood draw. Blech. I have a lot of stuff to get done, after all.

I am torn between going tomorrow morning super early since I have to go to the house afterward anyway, or going on Friday. I think I might go tomorrow because that way it will light a fire under my ass and force me to do things. The only "problem" with that is that tomorrow is KK's in-office day, which means the dogs will be home alone for most of the day. But if I go stupidly early and get a lot of cleaning done before, say, noon, I might be able to get home by 2pm, which would get me here in time to dose Rika with her epilepsy meds AND be on time for my therapy appointment at 2:30 (did I mention I have a lot going on lately?). But in order to go tomorrow morning I will need to leave here at 5:30am to get to the hospital at 6:30, and, just, ugh. But it's for the greater good, I guess. Blargh.

And now, it's time for bed, especially if I need to be up in time to leave at 5:30. Catch you on the flip side, friends!

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mrissa ([personal profile] mrissa) wrote2025-07-08 11:27 am
Entry tags:

What We Are Seeking, by Cameron Reed

 

Review copy provided by the publisher. Also the author is a friend.

 

I love planetary settlement novels, and I love alien communication novels, and Cam has given us both. When John Maraintha arrives on the planet Scythia, he has no particular intentions toward its inhabitants. It was never his intention to be there, and now that he is, he expects to serve as a doctor for the colonists. But he's simultaneously shut out of some parts of Scythian society and drawn into the puzzle of its sentient species and their communications. Their life cycles are so different from humans', but surely this gap can be bridged with goodwill and hard work, even in the scrubby high desert that serves as home for human and alien alike?

 

Science fiction famously touts itself as the literature of alienation; Cameron actually delivers on that here in ways that a lot of the genre is not even trying to do. The layers of alienation--and the layers of connection that can be found between them--are varied and complicated. This book is gentle and subtle, even though there are scenes were John's medical training is put to its bloodiest use. If you're tired of mid-air punching battles as the climax of far too many things, the very personal and very cultural staged climax of What We Are Seeking will be a canteen of water for you in this arid time. Gender, relationship, reproduction, and love mix and mingle in their various forms, some familiar and some new. I expect to be talking about this one for a long time after, and I can't wait for you to be able to join me in that.

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mrissa ([personal profile] mrissa) wrote2025-07-08 09:21 am
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A Mouthful of Dust, by Nghi Vo

 

Review copy provided by the publisher.

This is another of the novellas featuring Cleric Chih and their astonishing memory bird Almost Brilliant, although Almost Brilliant does not get a lot of page time this go-round. This is mainly the story of hunger, desperation, shame, and unquiet ghosts. It's about what depths people might sink to when famine comes--in this story, a famine demon, personified, but the shape of the story won't be unfamiliar if you've read about more mundane famines.

The lines between horror and dark fantasy are as always unclear, but wherever you place A Mouthful of Dust, I recommend only reading it when you're fully prepared for something unrelentingly bleak.

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mrissa ([personal profile] mrissa) wrote2025-07-08 07:55 am
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Queen Demon, by Martha Wells

 

Review copy provided by the publisher.

This is not a stand-alone book. It's a close sequel to Witch King, and the characters and their situation are more thoroughly introduced in that volume. Unless you're a forgetful reader or specifically like to reread whole series when new installments come out, I think Wells gives you enough grounding to just pick this one up, but not enough for this to stand alone--it's not intended to.

If I had had to pick the title of this book, the word "alliances" would have figured heavily in it. I get that the two titles pair well this way, but this is a book substantially about dealing with one's allies--the ones who are definitely, definitely not friends as well as the ones Kai loves dearly who are not actually as reliable as he might have hoped. The other enemies of Hierarchy are not all immediately eager to team up with an actual demon; some of them require convincing that the enemy of their enemy really is their friend (VALID, because that is not a universally true thing). And of course Kai's own nearest and dearest are growing as people and have the growing pains associated with that. If you enjoyed Witch King, you're in for a treat as this is very much a continuation of all the things it was doing.

mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Default)
mousme ([personal profile] mousme) wrote2025-07-07 02:58 am

In the home stretch

I managed about six hours of sleep today, which is more than I've averaged in the past few months, but I am still revoltingly tired. I got spoiled over the past couple of years of not working 12 hour shifts anymore, and got used to getting seven to eight hours a night far more regularly. I got used to not being nearly as sleep-deprived, and now I am paying for it, because I'm just not coping well with it at all. I used to be able to get things done even with next to no sleep in my system, but now it appears I can't get away with it anymore. 

I either need to get more sleep or build my tolerance back up. I'd rather the former, but the way things are going it will probably have to be the latter.

I feel as though I don't have anything useful to say tonight, so this may be a short entry. I have ambitious (but hopefully not TOO ambitious) plans to spend the next two weeks getting the new house fully unpacked and the old house fully cleaned up. Since there's no air conditioning at the old house, my cunning plan is to check the weather ahead of time and to go on the days when it's coolest out so that I don't swelter to death while trying to get the place presentable again.

And in continuing The World Is On Fire news, there's been severe flooding in Texas, with 82 confirmed dead and the toll still rising. There's a lot of finger-pointing going on about why there wasn't more warning about the flooding, particularly from the National Weather Service. There are accusations that the huge cuts to the NWS are responsible for the lack of warning, but from what I can tell the NWS still managed to do its job in spite of all the cuts, so I'm not sure what's happening there. No matter which way you slice it, this is a horrific tragedy (especially since many of the victims are children), and it can be laid at the feet of the various administrations who've been blithely ignoring climate change for decades.

The wildfire season is going strong in the Western part of Canada, too. They had to close Kelowna Airport earlier today due to wildfire activity, but hopefully it won't remain closed long. At least we've had a fair bit of rain in my area in the past couple of weeks. It's kept things a bit cooler and allowed everything to grow, including, alas, my lawn. I have about 3.5 acres of lawn now (interspersed with trees and outbuildings), and no lawn mower except my tiny electric weed whacker, which is very obviously not up to that task. So on the list of things to do this week is acquire a riding lawn mower, hopefully at a reasonable price, because I am very quickly running out of money.

Speaking of which, I should fill out my time sheets so I can get paid for my shift work. Catch you on the flip side, friends!


mousme: The silhouettes from MST3K with the written caption Oscar Wilde only wished he was this gay (Oscar Wilde)
mousme ([personal profile] mousme) wrote2025-07-06 01:44 am

Past the halfway mark

 My schedule is such that the week of night shifts has the unenviable feature of having the bulk of the week's hours scheduled in the last three days of the rotation. Because I work seven nights in a row and the weekend shifts are twelve hours long, it means I work thirty-two hours from Monday to Thursday, and then thirty-two hours from Friday to Sunday, and so that last weekend stretch is pretty brutal. The good news is that, since we are now early Sunday morning, I have made it past the halfway mark, and am now at roughly the 3/4 mark. Five-ish more hours left tonight, and then tomorrow's twelve hours, and then I am done!

Starting Monday morning, I will have two weeks to get my shit together before I go back to work, and sixteen days before KK's surgery is scheduled. That means getting the house fully unpacked and functional, but also getting to the old house in order as well. I need to bring over the rest of the stuff that's still there, get the place cleaned from top to bottom, and find someone to fix the walls in the basement that my cats damaged back in the day, and the wall that KK put a hole in when we were moving.

I also need to book my car to get my wheels aligned *again*, this time at Canadian Tire, at the suggestion of Steve the Wonder Mechanic. Hopefully they can get it done, unlike the dealership who were content to let the misalignment wreck my brand new winter tires and then gaslight me about it. If it does turn out that it can't be done, then I have to consider whether it's worth it to get the car fixed (the dealership quoted me about $6,000, which I think is inflated bullshit), or if I might finally have to bite the bullet and get myself a new or new-to-me car. I cannot emphasize enough how much I DO NOT WANT another car. 1) I love my Yaris. 2) I haven't had to make car payments in 9 years, which has been really good for my finances. Having to devote anywhere from $300 to $600 a month on car payments would take a serious chunk out of an already incredibly tight budget (I honestly don't know where I'd get the money), and I'd really rather not do that the same year I bought a freaking house.

God, being an adult sucks sometimes.

Because I'm on night shifts, I need to resist the temptation to draw up a Grand Plan(TM) for how I'm going to get everything done in the best and most perfect way in the next two weeks. My reach always exceeds my grasp, and then I just give up when things don't go to plan, which I can't actually afford. I need to get stuff done and can't let myself get paralyzed by whatever nonsense my brain decides to come up with in the meantime.

I don't want to curse myself, but so far tonight's shift has been on the calmer end of things. I've been listening to audiobooks again this month, after falling off the wagon for a couple of months. I started with the King's Lake mystery series, continuing with the stories that originally only starred D. C. Smith and which now feature most of the supporting cast from those novels. In the last couple of days I allowed myself to be "influenced" by advertising and started listening to a horror/mystery series called Oracle and narrated by Joshua Jackson, which has been surprisingly a lot more enjoyable than I thought they might be (which is why I'm still listening).

So on that note, I shall go back to my listening and wait for this night shift to finish. Catch you on the flip side, friends!
mousme: A text icon in pale blue that reads Winter is Coming (Winter is Coming)
mousme ([personal profile] mousme) wrote2025-07-05 03:46 am

I am bad at being a functional person, I think

There's a lot of emphasis put on various practices these days that are meant to lend themselves to being a healthy, functioning person in society, and I am bad at all of them. You're supposed to have a number of personal practices: mindfulness, gratitude, journaling, the works, and I have yet to be able to do any of these things regularly or consistently. I don't consider posting to DW/LJ a journaling practice for myself, because I don't write these entries with a goal of better understanding myself or anything.

I think I'm lacking something fundamental that allows other people to do this. I find breathing/mindfulness/meditation horrendously boring a lot of the time, and even when I try to do it regularly, I inevitably forget after a couple of days, even with alarms set on my phone. The thing with setting alarms is, if I set too many of them to remind me of things, they just become more background noise after a while. 

I've also never had any of the skills that other people seem to have. I can't keep house, I don't enjoy exercise or indeed a lot of other things that most people seem to find enjoyable. I don't cope with stress in socially acceptable ways. Some people compulsively clean, or go for a run, or channel their stress in positive ways. I just overeat or disappear into some storytelling medium (books, movies, video games, television, whatever). Ignoring reality is a lot easier than doing anything about it.

I don't even like people the same way that other people seem to. Many years ago I came to the conclusion that I'm asexual, but recently (somewhere in the past five years, maybe?) I've decided that I have to be aromantic as well, because I don't think I've ever experienced romantic attraction in the way that other people describe it. Have I been romantically involved with people anyway? For sure. But I feel the same intensity of attachment to my friends as I do to my romantic partners, and I don't particularly differentiate between the two.

Anyway, it's 3am on a night shift, so I'm thinking weird thoughts. Usually 3am on night shifts results either in weird thoughts or else in grandiose plans to change everything about my life for the better, usually in the form of new planners or to-do lists, but I think that since I moved I don't have the brain space to create brand new plan to live a perfectly organized life.

So right now I'm just wondering how the hell "normal" people can have their shit together the way they do. It can't be THAT hard if millions of people do it every day without thinking about it, but also I appear to be incapable of getting my shit together in a meaningful way, so it does appear to be pretty hard. I don't know, I just find it all very perplexing.

I've been fighting a headache since I got to work, and although Tylenol is taking the edge off, I am really looking forward to going home in a few hours. I still have two twelve-hour shifts ahead of me this weekend, and I am tired just thinking about it. The longer commute has been a challenge because I've been so sleep-deprived for so long. I'm hoping that, since I have ten days off work starting Monday morning, I'll be able to "catch up" on some sleep and get myself better rested, just in time to be relegated to the cot in the living room for three weeks, but beggars can't be choosers, I guess. 

So, yeah. Apologies for the very disjointed entry. Maybe tomorrow I will have something better and more coherent to say. Catch you on the flip side, friends!